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I've recently come to realize, that I have been alone too much in my life.
I guess thats one of the things that comes with being an only child.

And you know what? Being alone sucks! As much as other people can piss us off and go on our nerves, being alone is worse, more destructive. I know that part of this aloneness was chosen by me. At least in the last few years. The years in which I began to feel not so great about myself.
And I wonder - if I even knew what to change and how to change it - if all the processes that have started years ago and the effects they have already had on me, can at all be reversed?
Yes loneliness sucks, but I've also grown accostumed to it. Even accustomed to the pain it brings.
And the fact that I have been alone a lot means that i have un-learned - or never really learned - how to feel good in company. Company that is more than one, maybe two, persons.

I've come to a point, where I often can't stand being alone, because it brings with it the idea of being lonely forever. Which is a terribly painful thought. It's that bad sometimes, that I even get frustrated, when somebody leaves that i don't even like and whose company I didn't really enjoy.
Just because it triggers that thought. Plus, the presence of another person gives you something to do. You are obliged to react. And if it's only listening to what they choose to tell you. It gives you reason to try and appear attractive, charming, eloquent. To make an effort.
When they are gone, what are you going to do?
Why bother tackle things, if its only you who cares? Who is that "you" anyways? Who is that "me"? So that means, I'm not entirely well around other people a lot of the times, because I sometimes feel I put in too much of an effort to appear as someone I'm maybe not. But I feel like crap when they leave anyways. Feeling left alone with the weight of the world. Not a good thing.

And then what do you do? Right! You resort to social media, media in generell, that make you forget those lonesome feelings. But does it help?
To the contrary. You're watching people and faces all the time. You think you're distracting yourself, but secretely you start to see those people as guides, as idols. How can I become more like them? What is their secret? How can I get the attention of my facebook "friends"? How do I attract more dates on that single chat? That's not what life should be like.

Gonna turn off the computer. Now.